☕ Mr. Roast’s Crypto Tea for the Week (July 8, 2025) Hold onto your private keys, because this week’s crypto rollercoaster is about to hit maximum volatility. Here's what the market's sweating over while pretending to "buy the dip" with $12 and a dream: 1. US Tariffs – More Drama Than a Soap Opera 🗓 Deadline: July 9 The US is about to go full “Trade War 2: Electric Boogaloo.” Trump’s tossing 25% tariffs like confetti on Japan and South Korea, and if you’re cozy with BRICS? You’re next on his naughty list. The final trade deal deadline got pushed to August 1, but expect fireworks (and not the fun kind) midweek. 💥 Market Roast: Every time tariffs are mentioned, Bitcoin flinches like it owes money. If there’s even a whiff of escalation, expect a sea of red candles and panic tweets from influencers. 2. Fed Talk – Yawn or Panic? We’ll See. 📊 What’s Dropping: Consumer credit stats, business optimism (lol), and energy outlooks. 📜 The Big One: Fed minutes on Wednesday. Traders will read it like it’s the final Harry Potter book, praying for a plot twist that screams "rate cut." 🧠 Market Roast: Only a 4% chance of a rate cut in July? That’s less than your chances of finding your seed phrase from 2018. But still, these reports move markets like a toddler in a sugar rush. 3. Token Unlock Madness – The Dumpening Begins 💸 Over $782M in tokens are being unleashed into the wild this month—TRUMP, CIRX, APT, ENA, ARB, and more. The big unlocks are stacked this week like a bad DeFi rugpull. 🚨 Market Roast: More tokens + no demand = pure dump city. If you're holding any of these coins… maybe just don't look at your portfolio 'til Monday. 4. SEC Drops Hints – But Still Won’t Say "Crypto" Without Sweating The SEC’s out here issuing “guidance” like it’s a Magic 8 Ball. Everyone's hoping this is step one toward real crypto ETF rules—especially for big boys like Bitcoin and Ethereum. 📉 Market Roast: Any real movement from the SEC could pump ETFs and bring back the boomers with their retirement cash. But until then? We're just guessing in the dark, as usual. 5. IRL Nerd Gatherings – AKA Crypto Conferences 📍 Mallorca Blockchain Days (July 10–13) – Come for the DeFi panels, stay for the sangria. 🌍 Global Summits Still Running – ETHCC8 (Paris), IVS Crypto (Kyoto), Blockchain Expo World (Istanbul). Web3 brains from around the globe are cooking up the future... or just shilling new Layer-2s. 👨‍💼 Market Roast: Conferences are great for one thing—announcements that pump a coin for 3 hours before it crashes harder than your ex's meme coin. 6. Political Shenanigans – Trump’s Big “Crypto-Loving” Bill 👀 The Deal: Trump’s cooking up a massive fiscal package dubbed “One Big Beautiful Bill” (yes, seriously), with sprinkles of crypto-friendliness. Will it pass? Who knows. But the markets are watching like hawks on caffeine. 🐘 Market Roast: If this bill gets any traction, it could light a fire under US-based crypto. If not… well, expect more tweets and zero action. 🔥 Mr. Roast’s Final Word: This week’s got it all: political chaos, market drama, unlock-fueled dumps, and conferences full of nerds pretending they’re not sweating token prices. Watch out for July 9 (Tariffgeddon), July 10–13 (Conference Fiesta), and the unlock tsunami. Stay alert. Stay spicy. Trade smart. Or at least don’t get rekt.